Stunning Title I Am

A person cannot be contained inside a box. They have no limitations. Physical limitations maybe. Emotional limitations. But who they are is endless, like the universe. They just keep going. Someone who used to be shy can turn into someone outgoing. A socialite can turn into a recluse. A narcissist into an altruist or philanthropist. Who they were will remain part of them, but just not as strong. We change. Our ideas of ourselves change. We encounter new situations and they cause us to question ourselves, what we believe or believed.

I think it can be said that in our lives, we go through periods of bliss and periods of turmoil and we feel like one will eventually subdue the other. One will take permanence. Because whether we're experiencing that blissful or tumultuous time, we always ask ourselves the same question.

"How long will this last?"

As simple as someone may seem, I know they are infinite. God is infinite, so they must be also. People who label themselves one thing or a couple of things have really started to disappoint me. Recently, when someone has asked me what I do, I've had this impulse to say "I am me," and nothing else. But I know they won't understand, and so I say what makes sense to them. "I'm a student. And I work at Starbucks." Sorry, but I much prefer my first answer. I don't know how many times more I can go without saying it instead.

I moved out here, away from everyone and everything I know, and in the process, forgot who I am. Admitting to this is scarier than I thought it would be. How could I lose myself so easily? I already know the answer is because I lost my sight on God.

I'm not sure how to be anymore. I want to be myself and know that people enjoy who I am. To live without expectations from anyone, so I can make mistakes and be forgiven, encouraged, and loved despite. I live in fear of what I could do wrong, even if I haven't done anything wrong yet. Eventually, I will do something wrong, and the present fear keeps me from myself. It's exhausting, living this way. All my energy and joy is smothered by the constant worry about whether or not I'm being how I should be. Sometimes, trying to be what people expect me to be ends up being the wrong thing to do. But when I'm myself, I do wrong too.

I miss when the only expectations I had to meet were the ones set by myself and God. If I failed myself, I could give myself a good tongue-lashing. And if I failed God, I would cry and say I was sorry and I'd try harder and God would whisper in my ear, "I love you, even in all your faults and sin. I love you so much. I won't let you go, even when you do wrong, because I adore you." And when I heard that, it made me want to be that much better.

I am something beautiful decorated in flaws.

Starbucks is cool

I don't care what people say about Starbucks. They can complain about their drinks or their prices, but they can't complain about the people who work there. At least, not from what I have seen.

The people I work with are some of the greatest people currently living on the planet, I am sure. Take Saori (pronounced "Sow-dee"), for instance. She is from Japan and left this note for me just before she got off her shift. She jotted down my name in Japanese onto a post-it and said, "Have a grood day, Carree!"

How can that not be adored?

Imaging

This post tests the skills of an image.

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Ponderings

I'm starting to dislike the night. Normally, this is the time I thrive. But now, it's simply the time I have to sit up, awake, and think about how alone I am. Missing my family, missing my friends, wondering when I'm going to get to see everyone again. I know this summer is going to be great and I'm excited for it, but there will always be the part of me that is homesick and longing for everything I know that feels familiar.

Yup. Tennessee still doesn't feel familiar to me. It's sad. I try to embrace it, but I find myself driving down the roads in town and when I see children playing outside, I can actually feel myself pitying them... I feel bad that they have to grow up here. I know that's terrible of me. Why do I make it out to be so bad when I know it's not? I really don't know. I'm just homesick. That has to be what it is. My homesickness magnifies every little thing I don't like and makes it out to be so much worse than it actually is. I wish I could quit it.

I am the title

I'm not sure what it is, but I'd like o. And it suddenly hit me--I feel a lot better.

"I can tell..." my friend said, somewhat astounded. "I can't believe the color in your cheeks. You look amazing."

I think sometimes we need another person for us to become aware of our own reflection. They mirror what exactly it is we've become and for that, I'm deeply thankful. Sometimes, I just need someone else to notice how I'm doing, feeling, looking... And it was apparent to my friend that I had made a lot of progress since the last time he'd seen me. But since school let out, I've had time to cope with everything I'd gone through since January. And even embrace them. I just hadn't realized how well I'd done at getting better, but that was largely due to how there are still brief and sporatic moments when I feel like glass.